Fun

Romantic horse Humour- link to Windows Media Clip

Dressage Humour - link to Windows Media Clip

One day in Heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul, and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, bored, watching the horses frolic.

"I know!" Peter exclaimed. "Why don't we have a horse show?"

"Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.

The trio pondered this a moment when Peter said, "We'll invite Satan. I mean, all of the World and National Champion horses are here. His stable is filled with the spoiled, difficult, and mean horses. We're certain to win!"

And so they called up Satan and invited him to their horse show. Satan asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.

Peter, Paul, and John did not understand. Incredulous, Peter asked, "We have all of the champion horses in heaven! How could you possibly beat us?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Have you forgotten, gentlemen? I have all the judges in hell!"

On the first day of creation, God created the Horse.

On the second day, God created man to serve the Horse.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to spook the Horse when man was on his back.

On the fourth day, God created an honest day's work so that man could labor to pay for the keeping of the Horse.

On the fifth day, God created the grasses in the field so that Horse could eat and man could toil and clean up after the Horse.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the Horse healthy and man broke.

On the seventh day, God rested and said "This is good. This will teach man humility. It will tire him out and keep him striving ever forward to meet the needs of the Horse."

How do you . . .
To induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
To cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
To cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
To get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
To get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
To get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
To get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
To make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
To get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
To induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
To make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
To make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.

Something only horse people would understand
When you are tense, Let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, Let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, Let me teach you to slow down.
When you are angry, Let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, Let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, Let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, Let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, Let me be your companion.
When you are tired, Let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, Let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse!

And now, the REAL DEAL

When you are tense, Let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short tempered, l Let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me!
When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, Let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, Let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today!
When you are worried, Let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, Let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self absorbed, Let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember, I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 pounds of 'YAHOO LET"S GO" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, Let me be your companion. Lets do Lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When you are tired, Don't forget the 600 pounds of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, Let me teach you the meaning of Veterinary Services.
When you want to learn, hang around, I'll learn ya.
Sincerely, Your Horse

Link to www.horses.co.uk/branston/ for the Diary of an English Hunting Horse from the horses perspective.

The Warmth of a Horse.

The warmth of a horse
When your day seems out of balance
And so many things go wrong...
When people fight around you
And the clock drags on so long...
When most folks act like children,
And fill you with remorse,
Go out into your pasture...
Wrap your arms around your horse.
His gentle breath enfolds you,
As he watches with those eyes
He may not have a PhD,
But he is, oh, so wise!
His head rests on your shoulder...
You embrace him good and tight;
He puts your world in balance,
And makes it seem all right.
Your tears will soon stop flowing,
The tension will be eased.
The nonsense has been lifted,
You are quiet and at peace.
So when you need some balance
From the stresses in your day...
The best therapy you can seek...
Is out there eating hay!
Thanks to Claire for sending this is.

Buyers beware - what the ads really mean!!

BOLD JUMP- nips over 5bar gate from stand still when someone tries to catch him

FUN HACK -spooks at crisp packets, carrier bags, birds, lorries tractors, dogs etc

HOMEBRED - knows nothing other than how to pull up plants in vegetable gardens

NO TIME FORCES SALE - current rider still having daily hospital treatment

NOT NOVICE RIDE- lunatic

OPEN TO VET- prospective purchaser to pay for current owner to find out, finally, what is really wrong with it

PLENTY OF BONE - good thing it has a mane tail and little ears, other wise it would be mistaken for a small elephant

QUIETLY BROUGHT ON- walked around yard in headcollar, hobbled and muzzled

SCHOOL MASTER - old and decrepit

SHOULD MAKE 16HH - dam and sire both 15.2hh, but this one might just defy its DNA and grow a bit more

SUIT CONFIDENT TEENAGER- lunatic who likes loud rock music

WILL MAKE DRESSAGE HORSE-no accelerator

WILL MAKE EVENTER-no brakes

WILL MAKE RC HORSE-no brain

WILL MAKE SJ-regularly jumps high fence to get out of paddock

WILL MAKE ENDURANCE HORSE - has some arab in it/ likes to trot

GOOD TO CATCH - with a bucket of food when it wants

LIKES CHILDREN- as long as they aren't too thin

NEEDS AN EXPERIENCED RIDER- regularly parts company with its rider so the rider needs to know how to land

HAS DONE WATER JUMPS- well the rider did

SENSITIVE SOUL - spooky pony

BIT MARISH AT TIMES - right tart and kicks everything in sight when in season ..which is all year.

RANGY IRISH TB- doesn't look like a tb, and cant think of anything nice to say about it

READY FOR CLEAR ROUND JUMPING - green

NEEDS BRINGING ON- very green

FLIES OVER COLOURED FILLERS - jumped 1 ft 6" once a year ago

COLD BACKED-needs lunging before you even attempt to mount

LAID BACK TB- lazy unschooled hack

GOOD AT XC- unschooled and uncontrollable to jump in small areas .....

Identification of the Female Equestrian:

EASY TO LOCATE. She’s either off on the horse or out in the barn,
UPHOLDS THE DOUBLE STANDARD. Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when you need a shave.
OWNS ONE VACUUM CLEANER., and operates it exclusively in the barn.
A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, providing the party is given by another horsey wife. Falls asleep in her soup at any other functions.
ECONOMY MINDED. Won't waste your money on permanents, facials or manicures.
A CULINARY PERFECTIONIST. Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn’t blink when she petrifies your dinner in the microwave.
OCCASIONALLY AMOROUS, but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst , slight trace of chapstick.
EASY TO OUTFIT. No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. You can find all she wears at your local tackstore.
FEATURES A SELECTIVE SENSE OF SMELL. Bitterly complains about your sticky-sweet cigar smoke while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.
UNMISTAKABLE IN A BATHING SUIT. She’s the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck and picks up again at the wrists.
A DEDICATED CLUB WOMAN, as long as the words “horse” or “riding” appear in it’s name.
HAS YOUR LEISURE AT HEART. Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.
A MASTER AT MULTIPLICATION. She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it’s a mare, she breeds it.
KEEPS AN EAGLE EYE ON THE BUDGET. Easily justifies spending six hundred pounds, but croaks when you spend a tenner on a tie.
AN ENGAGING CONVERSATIONALIST. Can rattle on endlessly about training.
SOCIALLY AWARE. Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.
A MOVING FORCE IN THE FAMILY. House by house she’ll get you to move closer to horse country (and further away from your job).
EASY TO PLEASE. A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.
SENTIMENTAL FOOL. Displays a minimum of six 8 x 10 colour photo’s of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.
SHOWS HER AFFECTION IN UNUSUAL WAYS. If she pats you on the neck and says “you’re a good boy”, believe it or not, she loves you !

Thanks to Maureen for sending this in.

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